ITS NOT WHAT I THOUGHT! sight of relief, yes but there is still other problems arising.
Heres the details short and simple, i thought i was pregnant....im not! yay, but i may only have 1 ovary. more testing to do, that or i have an ovarian cyst, both would suck, but ill let you all know after the tests are complete!
on a little of a happier note, tomorrow i will be 21. gasp, age revealed! yes im young, so today my friend from work took me out to dinner, and i had fun, it was nice, thursday i will have dinner with my best friend and my mother and friday i will hang with another friend. bday week, super awesome!
-me
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Choices
My father is dieing, yes a very blunt first sentence and a very sad one.
Back in december of last year he was diagnosed with throat cancer, and earlier this month he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and is terminal.
He went through kimo and radiation and it still spread, but it didnt help any that he continued smokeing while this is all happening, the one thing that helped cause his cancer and he wont quit, he will die but he wont quit.....how can someone do that?
I guess i just dont quite understand it, hes pretty much headed to his death bed, and he wont stop the one thing that may help him live a little longer. how long? they dont even know how long he has left right now, and all kimo will do is slow the process, i could wake up any day to a phone call that tells me my father has passed away, and id have to figure out how to get time off of work without loosing my job, and the money to go to his funeral. how depressing of a thought is that?
No one should ever have thoughts like that, ever. Life is hard enough without things like this.
Im sure some will think "oh geeze what a bitch" no, this is a really hard thing for me, cause i dont get to see my father, he lives 5 to 6 hours away from me and i work constantly, and its difficult for him to travel cause of the effects of the kimo and radiation. Its not as simple as people think it is.
I didnt ask for him to leave me and my mother, or for him to get cancer or anything of the sort, no did he, i guess all of these events happened for some reason or another, i just wish i knew why.
On top of it all, he didnt even tell me himself anytime that he found out he had cancer, the first time his new wife told me, the second time i found out via facebook from his new wife yet again, and ironicaly he had talked to me a week before i found out via facebook and didnt even tell me, then added into that factor, his new wife posted something that made it seem like he had already died, and no one called me to tell me the passing of my father.
now i have super bad anxiety and sometimes my meds dont always keep the panic attacks away, so comeing home to that and then not being able to get a hold of my dad on the phone, sent me into a major one!
he is still alive yes, but he doesnt know for how long.
depressing.....story of my life yes, good comes and then bad cashes it all.
vent over....
-me
Back in december of last year he was diagnosed with throat cancer, and earlier this month he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and is terminal.
He went through kimo and radiation and it still spread, but it didnt help any that he continued smokeing while this is all happening, the one thing that helped cause his cancer and he wont quit, he will die but he wont quit.....how can someone do that?
I guess i just dont quite understand it, hes pretty much headed to his death bed, and he wont stop the one thing that may help him live a little longer. how long? they dont even know how long he has left right now, and all kimo will do is slow the process, i could wake up any day to a phone call that tells me my father has passed away, and id have to figure out how to get time off of work without loosing my job, and the money to go to his funeral. how depressing of a thought is that?
No one should ever have thoughts like that, ever. Life is hard enough without things like this.
Im sure some will think "oh geeze what a bitch" no, this is a really hard thing for me, cause i dont get to see my father, he lives 5 to 6 hours away from me and i work constantly, and its difficult for him to travel cause of the effects of the kimo and radiation. Its not as simple as people think it is.
I didnt ask for him to leave me and my mother, or for him to get cancer or anything of the sort, no did he, i guess all of these events happened for some reason or another, i just wish i knew why.
On top of it all, he didnt even tell me himself anytime that he found out he had cancer, the first time his new wife told me, the second time i found out via facebook from his new wife yet again, and ironicaly he had talked to me a week before i found out via facebook and didnt even tell me, then added into that factor, his new wife posted something that made it seem like he had already died, and no one called me to tell me the passing of my father.
now i have super bad anxiety and sometimes my meds dont always keep the panic attacks away, so comeing home to that and then not being able to get a hold of my dad on the phone, sent me into a major one!
he is still alive yes, but he doesnt know for how long.
depressing.....story of my life yes, good comes and then bad cashes it all.
vent over....
-me
Thursday, August 14, 2014
Scary possibilities...
So, i have made some choices that have led me to worry about some new and very scary possibilities...things i know im not ready for.
Things i should have thought about, but everything i did was so in the moment...it was not planned or exspected to happen.
This is hard to talk about without going into detail and i am not willing to share those with the people that may possibly read this blog. 1 of the 2 people i know who read this already knows....and i can talk to them about it but sometimes its nice to put all my thoughts and words onto a page rather then try to get them to come out of my mouth which rarly wants to function properly....i want to say it but i dont, cause i dont want this to be real and i wont know for a while if it is real.
Has anyone ever done anything, and then thought "fuck fuck fuck, now what if this or that happens, that was silly, why did i do that" - but you didnt regret it, you enjoyed it but are afraid of the after affects?
thats where i am right now, so my possible blog followers and readers, if there is any news on my scary possibilities i shall let you know the detail. cause at that point it wont matter.
- me
Things i should have thought about, but everything i did was so in the moment...it was not planned or exspected to happen.
This is hard to talk about without going into detail and i am not willing to share those with the people that may possibly read this blog. 1 of the 2 people i know who read this already knows....and i can talk to them about it but sometimes its nice to put all my thoughts and words onto a page rather then try to get them to come out of my mouth which rarly wants to function properly....i want to say it but i dont, cause i dont want this to be real and i wont know for a while if it is real.
Has anyone ever done anything, and then thought "fuck fuck fuck, now what if this or that happens, that was silly, why did i do that" - but you didnt regret it, you enjoyed it but are afraid of the after affects?
thats where i am right now, so my possible blog followers and readers, if there is any news on my scary possibilities i shall let you know the detail. cause at that point it wont matter.
- me
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Its been a while.......
Yes my little followers, it has been a while since i have blogged anything.....ive been working as per usual....but also being doing things that i have throughly enjoyed.
Ive hung out with friends, makeing plans for my birthday at the end of the month, helping my mother arround the house.
Havents spoken to people who stress me and out and upset me for a few days, well until tonight. of course the first thing from this person is then jumping my case then they dont respond to shit i say......you got all up in my grill to not respond? are you that butthurt?
IM LIVING MY LIFE!
life is not ment to be spent on a computer all the time, thats not the life i want, it was a life i lived for years and i got bored, so im sorry that this person is upset i dont want the life they have, im sorry i can sit on my ass all day and do nothing while the people i live with do everything. the person i live with cant do barely anything at all.....i have to clean the house - minus dishes and they do their own laundry - i take care of the yard. the dogs is equal share of responsability. cooking, well were both to lazy for that.
im sorry i walk to work, work 40 hours a week, and walk home from work and it tires me out, im sorry but you do not control me anymore, i am free to do as i please and be the person i want to be.
im free to date or not date or just fuck arround with people, or have fun with whomever i want!
im sorry im trying to have some family memories with the family i hardly get to spend time with....
ya know what?
IM NOT SORRY!
so get over it! move on! have a life with friends and family!
its time all people for once get off thier asses and go do something they want to do! weither is just go for a walk or stand outside for no reason at all! I DONT CARE JUST DO IT!
Im gonna go to bars and clubs and whatever other places i can and do what i should have been doing in high school instead of being tied down to one person, or getting higher then fuck like a dumb ass!
oh well im a little slow on the draw there, im still young, dont take my youth away, i want to party (not like an idiot, but just enough) i want to flirt with all the damn people i want to just for the fun of it! AND YES I THINK ITS FUN! I GET SO SMILE AND LAUGH AND ENJOY LIFE!
I have medical problems, and i need to start living as if this day is my last for everyday cause it damn well could be!
ok....im done thanks
-- me
Ive hung out with friends, makeing plans for my birthday at the end of the month, helping my mother arround the house.
Havents spoken to people who stress me and out and upset me for a few days, well until tonight. of course the first thing from this person is then jumping my case then they dont respond to shit i say......you got all up in my grill to not respond? are you that butthurt?
IM LIVING MY LIFE!
life is not ment to be spent on a computer all the time, thats not the life i want, it was a life i lived for years and i got bored, so im sorry that this person is upset i dont want the life they have, im sorry i can sit on my ass all day and do nothing while the people i live with do everything. the person i live with cant do barely anything at all.....i have to clean the house - minus dishes and they do their own laundry - i take care of the yard. the dogs is equal share of responsability. cooking, well were both to lazy for that.
im sorry i walk to work, work 40 hours a week, and walk home from work and it tires me out, im sorry but you do not control me anymore, i am free to do as i please and be the person i want to be.
im free to date or not date or just fuck arround with people, or have fun with whomever i want!
im sorry im trying to have some family memories with the family i hardly get to spend time with....
ya know what?
IM NOT SORRY!
so get over it! move on! have a life with friends and family!
its time all people for once get off thier asses and go do something they want to do! weither is just go for a walk or stand outside for no reason at all! I DONT CARE JUST DO IT!
Im gonna go to bars and clubs and whatever other places i can and do what i should have been doing in high school instead of being tied down to one person, or getting higher then fuck like a dumb ass!
oh well im a little slow on the draw there, im still young, dont take my youth away, i want to party (not like an idiot, but just enough) i want to flirt with all the damn people i want to just for the fun of it! AND YES I THINK ITS FUN! I GET SO SMILE AND LAUGH AND ENJOY LIFE!
I have medical problems, and i need to start living as if this day is my last for everyday cause it damn well could be!
ok....im done thanks
-- me
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Total downer!
So i have solved the who oh why cant i find it mistery! because my shitty town DOESNT SELL IT!
issue solved
issue solved
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Cant find it! why oh why!
So i went to my friends 21st bday, and we had pepper steak, cake and a nice glass of some dessert wine! Now i dont drink a lot, and i dont like the tast of beer, or wine usualy. the wine she got was amazing, so i figured since she is going to come celebrate with me on my bday id get the same wine, but in a different flavor, the wine we had has 4 flavors, the store we works at sells 3 of the 4.....and of course the one i want to try WE DONT SELL! ive called so several other places and they dont even sell it. my last chance to find this wine is to call liquor stores and pray they will have it in a month since that is when my bday is. I figure drinking isnt something you should just so all the time, so i dont drink all the time, and when comeing to special occasions i was trying to figure what to get, i like smirnoff and twisted tea, but i didnt want to buy a case of anything cause its just so much, a bottle of wine for 3 or 4 people, is just perfect. Thank to my dear friend who is like a sister to me, i know what to get, and hopefuly i can get the flavor i want, if not i suppose i can try the other 2 flavors, give them a shot since the one we had i know i like. its fusterating, i tryed to use the wines websight to see if i could find where to buy it near me, it has a where to buy button, you choose the flavor you want to buy, put in your zip and how many miles your willing to go and click search, and....NOTHING! so i tryed other flavors and still got nothing. so i sent the link to a friend and asked them to put in my zip and search for me, nothing, they get something for thiers but not mine! :( i want this wine! and i dont usualy like wine! plus my dept manager told me a wine that was sweet and not tart to try but of course I FORGOT THE DAMN NAME! ill have to text her and ask her the name.
as you can see im not stating the name of it because i dont want to get shut down for copywright issues for putting the name of a wine. dont still know 100% how the whole copywright thing works, but i wont take my chances, so if anyone want to know just google dessert wines, flavors strawberry n cream is what we had and i want to try peaches n cream! so hopefuly if anyone searches for it they will find the brand im talking about, maybe if i get lucky ill find someone with information tomorro at the fair! but thats a fat chance! oh well a lady can only hope!
on a side note, my mother went to her friends house to get the money from her to take to the fair to buy things for her (shes a hus bound old lady who still plays video games and shes almost 90! with arthiritas so bad its like her hand is 1 whole knuckle!) she was gone for 45 mins maybe a little longer. in all that time i moped the bathroom/hall, did 1 load of laundry/watered the lawn (which i contued doing after my mother got home, lots of laundry n a big ass yard), i also vaccumed and clean where my coffee maker is and cleaned the bathroom counter. in total 3 bags of garbage (2 of which were just from our kitchen trash and living room trash), i wish i had more time to really do this everyday, but i work 40 hours a week here people!
rant LOL my bad this wasnt supposed....well i suppose it was a rant just not a work rant!
nap time, to tired to care after cleaning all day and to have a day of fun tomorro!
as you can see im not stating the name of it because i dont want to get shut down for copywright issues for putting the name of a wine. dont still know 100% how the whole copywright thing works, but i wont take my chances, so if anyone want to know just google dessert wines, flavors strawberry n cream is what we had and i want to try peaches n cream! so hopefuly if anyone searches for it they will find the brand im talking about, maybe if i get lucky ill find someone with information tomorro at the fair! but thats a fat chance! oh well a lady can only hope!
on a side note, my mother went to her friends house to get the money from her to take to the fair to buy things for her (shes a hus bound old lady who still plays video games and shes almost 90! with arthiritas so bad its like her hand is 1 whole knuckle!) she was gone for 45 mins maybe a little longer. in all that time i moped the bathroom/hall, did 1 load of laundry/watered the lawn (which i contued doing after my mother got home, lots of laundry n a big ass yard), i also vaccumed and clean where my coffee maker is and cleaned the bathroom counter. in total 3 bags of garbage (2 of which were just from our kitchen trash and living room trash), i wish i had more time to really do this everyday, but i work 40 hours a week here people!
rant LOL my bad this wasnt supposed....well i suppose it was a rant just not a work rant!
nap time, to tired to care after cleaning all day and to have a day of fun tomorro!
Monday, July 28, 2014
I need a weeks vacation
So i work and work and work, i mean holly cow i work my butt off. I get 40 hours a week which yes is amazing and yes my pay is amazing to an extent. Checks are decent-ish but still not enough to live off. Now if there was no damn taxes id be makeing bank! - but thats just a dream to dream.
For the department i work in, there is only my dept manager, me and 1 other person, and this department is high maintance, like super high! I even get more hours then my co worker who has been there for 5 years. im pretty sure he has amazing pay or at least really good cause he has 3 days off every week. I so couldnt live with that.
I walk to work and most of the time home from work not to mention all over the store that i work at. So if i had to guess how many miles i walk id say at least 20 if not more. I know for sure i walk 1 to 2 every single day i work. Cause i live a mile from work, which isnt a long drive at all, but no car means walking.
So yes that is a shit ton of mileage on my poor feet and legs. Ive been doing this for a year, well a year and almost 2 weeks. In hot hot hot humid weather and freezing cold fucking snow! So deep it come to my shins!
What does all of this say?
I NEED A FREAKING WEEKS VACATION!
Somthing where i can sit on my butt and relax for a day or two then go do things i want to do! BUT i only have 13hours of personal time.....thats a day and like 5 hours. So a day and a half....and im sure some of you are like ???waaaa???? im part time so i didnt start getting personal time til about 2 weeks ago. No insurance yet.....sucks but oh well.... I dont sleep welll.....so im tired all the time, if i had a week off id sleep and sleep omg, make it 2 weeks and id probably sleep for a week its self!
Not to mention ill be on over nights for 4 days, all 10 hour shift, will be same pay as usual but 3 days off, which is nice, but damn will i be exhosted. I know, after working a 12 hour shift one day that 10 hours is my max. If i could work 4 days a week with 10 hour shifts all the time and keep my 40 hours and my pay and have 3 days off, id probably be happy. Tired still yes, stress yes, but still happy.
2 days is just not enough to do anything when you work all day. and if you dont have a car......like now as i write this, im drowsy, and just kinda wanna sleep....but i havent really wrote a partway decent blog in a while and i wanted to share this wit those who do read this if anyone besides the 2 people i know of read it. which like ive said before i doubt it and that honestly doesnt bother me because this is more for me to put my thoughts out and rant and rave then for other people to read. but hey if someone does then yay! grats to you for finding my blog and actualy continualy reading my rants and crazyness and probably lameness......yup.
speak of, my co worker (not the one in the same department) ask me if i was writing a book! i told her im do dumb to write a book, even my blog posts are stupid sometimes. oh well, nice thought though.
For the department i work in, there is only my dept manager, me and 1 other person, and this department is high maintance, like super high! I even get more hours then my co worker who has been there for 5 years. im pretty sure he has amazing pay or at least really good cause he has 3 days off every week. I so couldnt live with that.
I walk to work and most of the time home from work not to mention all over the store that i work at. So if i had to guess how many miles i walk id say at least 20 if not more. I know for sure i walk 1 to 2 every single day i work. Cause i live a mile from work, which isnt a long drive at all, but no car means walking.
So yes that is a shit ton of mileage on my poor feet and legs. Ive been doing this for a year, well a year and almost 2 weeks. In hot hot hot humid weather and freezing cold fucking snow! So deep it come to my shins!
What does all of this say?
I NEED A FREAKING WEEKS VACATION!
Somthing where i can sit on my butt and relax for a day or two then go do things i want to do! BUT i only have 13hours of personal time.....thats a day and like 5 hours. So a day and a half....and im sure some of you are like ???waaaa???? im part time so i didnt start getting personal time til about 2 weeks ago. No insurance yet.....sucks but oh well.... I dont sleep welll.....so im tired all the time, if i had a week off id sleep and sleep omg, make it 2 weeks and id probably sleep for a week its self!
Not to mention ill be on over nights for 4 days, all 10 hour shift, will be same pay as usual but 3 days off, which is nice, but damn will i be exhosted. I know, after working a 12 hour shift one day that 10 hours is my max. If i could work 4 days a week with 10 hour shifts all the time and keep my 40 hours and my pay and have 3 days off, id probably be happy. Tired still yes, stress yes, but still happy.
2 days is just not enough to do anything when you work all day. and if you dont have a car......like now as i write this, im drowsy, and just kinda wanna sleep....but i havent really wrote a partway decent blog in a while and i wanted to share this wit those who do read this if anyone besides the 2 people i know of read it. which like ive said before i doubt it and that honestly doesnt bother me because this is more for me to put my thoughts out and rant and rave then for other people to read. but hey if someone does then yay! grats to you for finding my blog and actualy continualy reading my rants and crazyness and probably lameness......yup.
speak of, my co worker (not the one in the same department) ask me if i was writing a book! i told her im do dumb to write a book, even my blog posts are stupid sometimes. oh well, nice thought though.
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