Choices

My father is dieing, yes a very blunt first sentence and a very sad one.
Back in december of last year he was diagnosed with throat cancer, and earlier this month he was diagnosed with lung cancer, and is terminal.

He went through kimo and radiation and it still spread, but it didnt help any that he continued smokeing while this is all happening, the one thing that helped cause his cancer and he wont quit, he will die but he wont quit.....how can someone do that?

I guess i just dont quite understand it, hes pretty much headed to his death bed, and he wont stop the one thing that may help him live a little longer. how long? they dont even know how long he has left right now, and all kimo will do is slow the process, i could wake up any day to a phone call that tells me my father has passed away, and id have to figure out how to get time off of work without loosing my job, and the money to go to his funeral. how depressing of a thought is that?

No one should ever have thoughts like that, ever. Life is hard enough without things like this.

Im sure some will think "oh geeze what a bitch" no, this is a really hard thing for me, cause i dont get to see my father, he lives 5 to 6 hours away from me and i work constantly, and its difficult for him to travel cause of the effects of the kimo and radiation. Its not as simple as people think it is.

I didnt ask for him to leave me and my mother, or for him to get cancer or anything of the sort, no did he, i guess all of these events happened for some reason or another, i just wish i knew why.

On top of it all, he didnt even tell me himself anytime that he found out he had cancer, the first time his new wife told me, the second time i found out via facebook from his new wife yet again, and ironicaly he had talked to me a week before i found out via facebook and didnt even tell me, then added into that factor, his new wife posted something that made it seem like he had already died, and no one called me to tell me the passing of my father.
now i have super bad anxiety and sometimes my meds dont always keep the panic attacks away, so comeing home to that and then not being able to get a hold of my dad on the phone, sent me into a major one!
he is still alive yes, but he doesnt know for how long.

depressing.....story of my life yes, good comes and then bad cashes it all.

vent over....

-me