One thing that's been on my mind, and others minds quite a lot.....

Now that some things have changed in my life, one thing that has been on my mind, and apparently a few other peoples mind (about me!) is if i want to have a baby and be a mom.
Now i know my mother would be happy if i did, cause im the baby, so i dunno, shes looked at me all crazy when i was holding my great nephew, and my reaction was like "uh no"
I know my best friend's mom thinks i need one, shes flat out told me so.
The guy im sleeping with - his mother wants lots of grand kids! and she constantly informs me of so.
My boss (well one of them, the one i like and is like a friend to me) is surprised im not pregnant.
The guy im sleeping with, well he doesnt think there is the right person out there in the world for him to have a solid relationship with to settle down and have a family. no that doesnt upset me cause were not dating.

Ill be honest, ive thought a couple times that i might have been pregnant, but i wasnt, which wasnt really a relief or a sadness, it was just like - ok.
then i thought, what would happen if i was? do i want to be a single mother? <-- first off, even thought the guy thinks what he thinks, he such a gentleman that i know hed pay child support if he didnt want to be fully involved with the kid if i kept it - and i have a friend who is having difficulty getting pregnant and would be willing to adopt the kid if that was the choice i had to make. or we, cause its my body, but it would be his child too - and thats where the complication comes into all of it!!! am i willing to fuck up not only my life and the childs life but another persons life cause i choose to keep a child neither of us are ready for?

i mean at this point, this guy is pretty close to becomeing one of my best friends. which i only have 2 - and 1 is my soul sister i swear and i love her to death.

things arnt awakard or weird or stressful between us, im completely comfortable arround him, and can talk to him or just hang out - we dont even have to fuck - like im not arround him for the sex, im arround him cause i like to be, he doesnt make shit stressful and i like that cause fuck my life is stressful! and his family loves me, so i enjoy being arround them too.

im a fatty, like a chunky woman, i got curves and all that shit, but he doesnt care, where as most guys only want some skinny bitch! he doesnt find me annoying, which i know quite a few people do even if they wont admit it.

i dont know how many other people in the world find someone like this - just someone who really gets you, and you get them and its like, i dont know how to describe it, but this is all completely besides the point.

DO I WANT TO BE A MOTHER?
CAN I WILLINGLY RUIN 3 PEOPLES LIFE'S?
CAN I TAKE CARE OF ME, MY MOTHER AND A CHILD?
AND 2 DOGS????

Do i really have what it takes to properly raise a child to be a good person and not a dumb ass like all the other kids that stupid people are doing a fucking bad job of raising?
I cant even remember where i put shit half the time, what if im one of the dumb asses who leaves thier child in the car? i would die, completely.
The most drilling question is, can i even get pregnant? - i got an ultra sound, and well the doctors cant find my right ovary. For all i know, im completely infertile.

At this point, aside from all these questions which ill never be able to answer until it happens, im just like
"what ever happens - happens and when it does ill go from there"