Some thoughts...

I was sitting here watching PLL on netflix and staring at my tummy thinking about my recent dental appointment. I was looking at what the dentist was typing on the computer and ofc as all doctors will put on my records i am "obese" and i know im big for my height and age. What it made me start to think is why do we use such a word that makes people feel like shit? Its not always the persons fault that they are big. When i was little, i has bladder issues which required surgery to fix, which in turn made my hormones out of balance and i developed early.
Not only did i get bewbs and my monthly friend, i put on weight. Something that i have and always will struggle with and it sucks. I already see myself in an aweful way, and i know how others see me.
You would think, in a world with so many issues as is, instead of making more and causing more issues with each other, we would get rid of all these negative words and just accept the fact that we are all different - and we should love each others differences. I grew up in a world where being big was very very bad. Now as an adult we are loving curves. Not being a little big, just curves. (i had a better way to say it but i cant spell the words i want to use T_T QQ majorly).'
I mean if anyone reads this at all, you have seen my old posts and how down on myself i can be.
I guess i was just wishing there was a better, more peaceful and accepting world to live in.

Late night and tears....

So im terrible at this, i dont ever know what to do, and i usual only end up writing something when im upset or something is on my mind. Its late and i have to work early in the morning. So lets catch up first and then address why im crying.
Fist me and JD are still together and we are engaged. Beautiful ring, and no it wasnt a romantic proposal like he wanted, the jewler from the store threw him under the bus. Needless to say, i could care less how he proposed, im just glad to know he wants to spend his life with me.
Second, we are planning to have a baby, if the world doesnt go to hell because of president trump....
Im working, easy job, decent money. Im ok right now minus the state of the world. it is bearing down on my mind. Maybe i shouldnt have had a monster energy drink so late in the day, and prolly shouldnt have had so much soda.....oh well i suppose. We know my anxiety can be a bitch and it has decided to be a bitch right now.
So as i type this i am listeneing to JulienJenna podcast on youtube, while my old phone plays NCIS on netflix, cause i listen to it to fall asleep. Look how well that is working right now! :(
So to the reason i cant sleep and why im crying. Recently it has been semi declared that Donald Trump has pretty much called World War 3 with Russia.....stuff was sent one way and then trump responded with the same shit basically saying bring it.
Im 23, i have only slept with 1 man (which im so happy about), im not married (yet), and i dont have any kids (hopfully yet) and i may be dead before any of that can happen because of this jackass who has no idea what the hell he is doing ruling a country. Because we are now in a world where sexism and racism is again a HUGE deal, where right before we were slowly working on fixing the bullshit the is human stupidity.
The only thing i can think, is - thank god my dad isnt alive to see this - the things he would have to say. I miss him so much. I wonder what he would think of JD and of Trump and all the shit that is happening. He is prolly sitting somewhere wishing he could fix things. Maybe not? I dont know, you cant know what the dead is doing right?
Im scared and thats all there is to it. I wish JD was here to be with me and hold me and comfort me - but we cant get a decent job to be able to get a place with the shit economy that is America today.
I hope to hell someone kills trump before WW3 can even begin, or some person would strike a deal with russia and be like "here he is take him, we dont want a war, we dont want him or his stupid VP" and keep us from being demolished in a war and killing millions who didnt want this idiot as our leader. We had to choose between 2 evils and neither was a lesser evil so either way we got fucked as a country. We need Berny Sanders, idk why america decided to be asshats and not vote him in.
I can only keep pretending im ok for so long. I can only take comfort in faking that everything is ok for a short time.
I cant talk to anyone in person about this, i cant face someone and let it all out, all i can do is type this because i know no one reads it. No one cares about 1 silly womans feeling or rants or self pitty bullshit on this sad blog.
As usual, this helped calm me a little bit, but it wont fix anything. I know i wont be able to sleep tonight, so lets hope some coffee and peanut-butter will wake me up (protein is energy right?)
I got it out, so i guess ill go read, maybe eat because im hungry.....night

-- me

p.s. my rose gold engagement ring

Been a while....

It been a while since i last blogged, and that is because life happened and i wasnt able to do it, and life is still kinda happening so i dont know how often i will blog.
Im only doing it now because im really depressed and crying and i have no one, literally no one i can talk to, so i have to write it down.
I always try to stay strong and pretend like everything is ok, like im fine. Im really not, but i have gotten good at putting on a good face or covering up when im upset.
The sad truth to it all is, i dont really have any friends. I have people who talk to me to be nice. People who prolly just put up with me because they have to, I honestly have no idea why JD even loves me and wants to be with me. I question it all the time.
My mom puts up with me because i take care of her. My own family doesnt want anything to do with me.
I havent been on my game i usually play like i normally am and as far as i can tell no one has really noticed or cared.
I try to talk to people who are my "friends" on FB but they usually dont answer me, or they take days to do it, and the sad part is you can see when someone is on and when someone has looked at the message you sent them.
I also just realised i may have posted something to my other blog, but i cant remember my email for it lol great.
My head hurts now, and i dont feel like typing.

-Me

While im at the library

Just thought id post in and put an update for anyone who follows, not much is going on, JD and i are still good, and me and my mother are still waiting to see if we will move, hopefully we will.

--me

Just an update and whats on my mind......first blog of 2016

1/14/16

Hello my little ones, I haven’t posted in so long, I haven’t written anything in so long, but I was just looking at a post im not sure I posted, and wow I have some major mental issues. So just as a started, me and JD are now an official couple and have been for a few months, things are rough for him and his family right now, so things are tense but still holding out.

Me and my mother are trying to find a new place and are waiting on a response to one we have sent paper work to. Hopefully we will get it and we can get out of this place, the managers get worse each time we change managers here.

JD let me borrow his PS4 to play fallout 4 and im addicted to it, but getting slightly bored with the repetition of somethings, so after a couple weeks im giving it back, and going to play some of my own xbox 360 games, and reading, which I have been doing a lot, even though I failed my reading challenge.

I plan on getting on ready for 2017, since its to late to start a new one for 2016, and I don’t want to mess up like I did last year, but I did pretty well for the fact that I started several months late and was unable to read 4 books of my list, other then that I read every other book, so 36 books in oh 9 or 10 months?

Hey id make the stupid principles reading list if I was still in school, but who cares.

I have made a few recipies that have been amazing recently, but things are still rough.

My depression and anxiety is not improving, and im going to ask my doctor about being eligible for social security. Maybe I can catch a break and get an income and not have issues finding and keeping a job, which my anxiety has been impairing me of doing so. I try to fight it but its difficult and I don’t want to be drugged up on stupid meds and be loopy and out of it. I want to function normally but I struggle, and I don’t think a lot of people understand what its like to have these mental disorders and not feel normal, im weird enough as it is without anything added.

I decided to pack up my books I have read and keep out the ones I haven’t. I also feel like packing up my movies, but having them accessable, though I do no watch them often. My aunt actually got me a gift card to a movie rental place, and I have yet to go get it since I have no money to get gas for JD to take me, so who knows when that will happen, but me and JD have watched quite a few new movies, and have enjoyed them thoroughly.

Sometimes I just want to cry, not reason at all, but I just feel like bursting into tears.

Im sure if anyone actually reads this they think im crazy, and I don’t even know if the 2 people who read it a while back, even still do, if you do, hello! Love seeing my craziness?

I supposed that’s all for now 

--me

Holy shit life has been crazy

I have not posted in quite some time, and i would be posting more if i have the internet!
Basically after the job i had cleaning jcp, that i had no choice but to quit, i have not had any luck. my tonsils are red and swollen and the doctors dont know why.
JD finally asked me out on a date :) and it was simple but amazing, and things are going extremely well with him and we are very very happy.
he baught me some beautiful earrings, and i love them and wear them as much as i can, and we spend lots of time together.
sadly his uncle passed away from a very bad car wreck, and going to his uncles funeral was difficult for me, it braught back a lot of memories and started up my anxiety issues a tad, of course i was already having problems and had to get back on my meds, which have been helping.
i have to get my tattoo touch uped because either my skin rejected the ink, the artist didnt do it dark enough, or i used the wrong soap and it turned out a very light grey, and i also need to add color and the word dad to it, and i will be happy.
currently i am typing this while jd is playing a game on his ps4 and his sister is watching his game and his dad is cooking dinner while his mom watches youtube, so its interesting but a fun family and i enjoy my time with them all.
for now thats all i really have, my journey is not what i thought what it would be but i love it none the less.

--me

Its my birthday

Im getting old!
I tured 22 and had a wonderful dinner with my mother and JD!

-- me