Holy shit life has been crazy

I have not posted in quite some time, and i would be posting more if i have the internet!
Basically after the job i had cleaning jcp, that i had no choice but to quit, i have not had any luck. my tonsils are red and swollen and the doctors dont know why.
JD finally asked me out on a date :) and it was simple but amazing, and things are going extremely well with him and we are very very happy.
he baught me some beautiful earrings, and i love them and wear them as much as i can, and we spend lots of time together.
sadly his uncle passed away from a very bad car wreck, and going to his uncles funeral was difficult for me, it braught back a lot of memories and started up my anxiety issues a tad, of course i was already having problems and had to get back on my meds, which have been helping.
i have to get my tattoo touch uped because either my skin rejected the ink, the artist didnt do it dark enough, or i used the wrong soap and it turned out a very light grey, and i also need to add color and the word dad to it, and i will be happy.
currently i am typing this while jd is playing a game on his ps4 and his sister is watching his game and his dad is cooking dinner while his mom watches youtube, so its interesting but a fun family and i enjoy my time with them all.
for now thats all i really have, my journey is not what i thought what it would be but i love it none the less.

--me

Its my birthday

Im getting old!
I tured 22 and had a wonderful dinner with my mother and JD!

-- me

Its been way too long my dears.....

Well its been quite some time since i last posted a blog. So my loves here is an update
Things with JD and me are fine :) We have worked things out and he and his mother have helped me get a job.
My father passed away in may, and i just attended his funeral, things are a bit rough.
My van got repossessed.
I am trying to get my life back together, im sorry im not posting :(

--me

Broken hearted

I have ruined everything that I was trying to work for. JD was going to ask me out, and I fucked it up. I had no idea he was going to do it, but now its all over and my chance to love him and be with him is gone.

Im a total fuck up, just a week from that moment my bff told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. She thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn’t, and now the other important person in my life has walked out.

I deserve to be alone forever, I do nothing but fuck shit up, and I am the villain.

I love him so much, and ill never stop loving him. Ive lost my happiness and possibly another job.

Hurt my back and have been out of work for a week and am on lifting restrictions for 2 weeks now, so no doubt they will fire me. Ive only been there a little over a month, and im sure were about to lose our van and possibly our home.

Ive come to realise I am a horrible, horrible person.

I don’t deserve happiness.

I will end up alone forever. Im even a bad pet owner.

Id make a terrible mother.

I fuck everything up and will probably end up in jail due to my debt.

No wonders so many people just walk out of my life.

No wonder my father walked out of my life.

I need to stop dreaming, and hoping, ill be a robot. That’s what work places want right?

A mindless nobody who will do whatever they say.

Ill back off from JD and let him have what he wants, a better life without horrible girls in it who are stupid and worthless, ugly and fat.

That describes me perfectly.

I get it now, I really do, and soon everyone else will too.

Im never going to have sex, hes the only person I want to have sex with. So that life is over…so is any chance of any future with me and him, I feel like I want to die, but im not dumb enough to do it, I want to get blackout drunk but I cant due to my  meds.

I was a cigarette but im not dumb enough to smoke it, and I want to get so fucking high the world seems a dream but its not worth it.

All of that is as worthless as I am.

I alone ruined an amazing thing.

I am worthless

I am ugly

I am fat

I am not worth anyones time

So those who read this blog, you’ve been reading the blog of a looser. Fun reading someone elses stupidity? Their lame and worthless life? I hope you enjoy it, im  sure there will be more as im sure I will fuck more stuff up.

Til next time worthless little piece of shit…..

 --me

Work, thoughts and "JD"

Ok, so work has been pretty good. JD and his family gave us their old fridge because they got a new French door one. Which is perfect because ours is about to die, and theirs was bigger. So some things are going pretty good. On the other hand, my fathers new wife, she tried to guild trip me into leaving my work to go see my father, like I have the money to do it. I have no idea what my father told her, but from her text he made me out to be a villan. Like I forced my father to give up his happieness to make sure I had a home, like as a child I was making him miserable. Ya so now not only am I a huge whore but im also a villan. Im an aweful person apparently. I mean come one people, cant anyone see that shit like this gets to people after time? I mean, seriously…what did I do to get this treatment? Was I really that aweful of a child to raise? Am I really a whore (even though ive only had sex with ONE guy), I mean, yes I talk to guys, I find it easier to be around men then women, mostly because women are very fake and judgemental. Yes I talk to people older then me because people my age are dumb most of the time. That doesn’t count a few that I have found are quite nice to spend time with because they arnt idiots like the others. I have 3 or 4 girls who are around my age who I like talking to and being around. Other then that, all others are quite older then I am. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to have a good conversation with someone and not zone out in the middle of what their saying because I just cant focus on it! I just don’t get it…all the people who like me tell me im a great person, and I want to believe them but so many others say different. Its hard to know who to believe, and yes I put on a strong face and keep my head up and show people what I want them to see, but FUCK! You can only be strong for so long, and I know this because I have anxiety issues, and its been studied and they say that people who have mental problems, ie depression, anxiety ect, that its not from weakness as most see it, its from a person having to be strong for too long and the brain is saying “Stop, enough, please give me a break” but those strong people cant, because if they show any sign of weakness then people think they can trample all over them and do as they please.

What a lot of people don’t realize, with these mental issues is sometimes that strong person can control it. I went and saw a movie with JD, I was fine through it, but he wanted to stay and see if there was anything special after the credits. All the sudden I didn’t feel right, I don’t know why or what from, but something felt wrong. So I told him I didn’t feel right, and he said to stay calm, and I tried but I couldn’t, it just came out of me like a flood, I took my glasses off and put them in his lap and just cired on his shoulder in the dark theater. He kept whispering to me to relax and just focus on him rubbing circules on my arm. Luckily it was only a short attack, a few moments and I felt ok. Most of the time I can keep saying to myself (in my head) that im ok, itll be fine and ill make it through this without any issues. It usually works.

Im rambling, but I just needed to put my thoughts out there, because yesterday me and jd had a bit of a little..um…hurt feeling I suppose is the best way to put it, between us. His ex starting texting him again, which pissed him off and then he just shut me out, and didn’t even say goodbye to me when I left, so I felt as though I did something wrong, and ive expressed this to him before, about not wanting him to resent me because im not confortable with him texting her, now BEFORE you get all mad at me, he HATES her with a passion and is too nice to just make her stop and shes insane anyways; I just don’t want him to be mad at me because of this, were trying to work towards a future. But it made me think like crazy and of course with my anxiety I cant let it go. I cant stop thinking bad things, and its driving me crazy, I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do with myself, and I don’t feel as thought I can talk to JD about it because I don’t want to cause a fight and ive already fucked up plenty of times, I mean at this point I doubt if he wants to have anything to do with me in the future.

Then it made me think more, yes ive never been that great with getting dates or having people even concider wanting to date me. Ive had 3 relationships, and 3 actual dates, that’s it. Now 2 of those dates I chose not to persue anything because it didn’t feel right. The other one was with a guy I dated on and off. Now a lot of these ive wondered if they had really wanted to be with me, obviously not because things didn’t last. My last relationship I broke up with him, but only because he wasn’t putting any effort in. So why stay with someone who just doesn’t give a fuck right? Still either way it made me feel as thought no one wants to be with me, Im undateable. The only people who flurt with me or hit on me are old men who are grose completely. So if this is true for all other people why would JD be any different? Does he really care for me and like me like he says? Or is he lieing for the sex? But thing is, he cause have a girl 1000000000000x more good looking then I am, way skinnier and way better in bed. But you can never tell if someone is lieing to you…..or if someone is fake, until its too late. I want so badly for him to want to be with me. But am I just dreaming like an idiot? Am I just to much to handle for another person? Am I going to end up divorced twice like my mother? Miserable and alone? Why do a select few seem to think im a great person? I feel worthless, and I don’t know what else to do but put on the fake smile im so used to and hold my head up as if it takes no effort at all and show people what I want them to see and just…..be….i suppose is a way to put it, im here but not really Here?

Is it pathetic of me to want to love a man who is so amazing? Is it stupid of me to fall for his so fast? I didn’t mean to, I didn’t plan on it, I just wanted some fun and a good friend, but I ended up on an emotional rollercoaster of life, what a wonderful new journey to freedom right?

My father leaves

My father has cancer

I struggle with bills and work

I break up with the one I thought was THE ONE

I sleep with a friend

I get too involved with said friend

I lose my job because of stress from said job making me sick and in the hospital

I suffer with bills for months because of no job

My father is on his death bed

I get a job

I get guilt tripped by the evil other woman of my father

I continuously mess up with JD

I feel worthless/unsure

Yup that seems like a pretty accurate time line. How would one deal with all of this? I mean really? I have no idea what to do anymore, and and……well ya my brain doesn’t know what to say any more now, I suppose ill write again when I need to. Til then

--me

Life and things

 So ive taken to writing my blogs on word documents until I can get internet back in my house so I can just blog like I normaly do. Im  not quite sure when ill get interent, but I do hope itll be soon. I figure when I get a decent check that’s what ill do is get it up and going, then make a small payment on all my bills, including the car payment. Save money for the phone bills, and I will prolly stop doing unemployment, I make a decent amount per hour at Home Depot. Which so far has not been all that bad since ive started, the HR chick is cool, and the people ive talked to have been nice, the store manager is decent and my best friends husband works there, so I at least know one person. Of course he gives me shit every time he sees me.  Basicaly for this first week im working when I please, and doing nothing but computer work. So my Monday I hopefuly will be on the schedule which will be interesting.

Money has been stressing me out a lot. As it does to most people, but I just hope I can catch up on my bills without any trouble and hopefuly the compnays will take what I can give them, if not then ill make a note of it so I will have evidence if it comes to going to court for it. Hope it wont. Times are rough and whenever things get good something goes bad. Like my mom, we thought she was getting taxes back but no, when we filed they didn’t get all the information they needed, so we waited over a month just to find out that because of my income she wouldn’t get anything, and because of 1 of the jobs I worked last year, I got….40$ to keep, but I owed federal money, which I got payed asap. Sucks, every year I have been screwed out of taxes. I figure that’s how it will always be. Im just not one of those lucky people who actually get money.

My reading challenge is going quite well. I got a library card so I got books from there, I have 2 left to read before the 7^th (its currently the 1^st) and im half way done with one of those books. I hope to have them done by then. Of course I have to finish the books he lent me too. Ive been thinking about that a lot, I need a name for him that’s not really his name so I can refer to him in a better manner. Why not just be lame and call him John Doe or JD for short, and that is no where near his name so its perfect. So JD and I are fine as usual, things are still going about the same, im insecure as usual and hes still amazing as usual. Its tough because my feelings are much stronger then his, but I know he wants to feel the same as me, because I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and his smile. He makes my heart flutter, and it drives me crazy and its even more amazing beause we don’t always kiss deeply or passionitly, but when we do it makes my heart skip a beat and my knees weak and makes me breathless. I love it and ive never felt all those at once from a kiss. Actually the only one ive felt was when I kissed a friend on a dare and she made me drop to my knees the kiss was soo good. All the other people ive kissed it….it felts good but it wasn’t amazing or anything like I feel when I kiss him or kissed my friend.

Of course I have no one else to compare sex to since ive only slept with him. Of course there are no complaints there, I enjoy every single moment of  it. I honesly cant see myself sleeping with anyone else, which is kind of scary honestly, but hey well see how it happens in the future. Im just enjoying life now, as much as I can.

On other things, my father is living in a hospice, and keeps guilt tripping me to come and see him, both him n his wife are guilt tripping me. I just don’t understand why they don’t seem to understand. I know my father is dieing, and I know I need to see him but I literaly CANT – ive told them time after time, I don’t have the money and they van wont make it that far and I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of no where. “oh its only 50$ to ride the bus round trip” ok I get that, but I was barely paying my bills on my unemployment, and on top of that I just started  a new job, I cant just drop my life and travel with the magical money ive pulled out my ass to go see him. Yes I love him, hes my father but fuck people! I just get mad, like stop making me feel bad, im sorry im a grown adult and I have somewhat of a life!

And yes im slightly mad at him because anytime I find anything out about him is on facebook, and he never came into town just to see me, it was  “im passing through town for some other reason so ill say hi n see you for a little bit” like how am I supposed to feel about that? Honesly what do they want me to go? Just be 100% forgiving because hes on his death bed? Shit ive made so many sacrafices its not even funny! Like everyone just wants me to bend over and take it up the ass and not complain about it. IM SICK OF IT! I cant handle the stress of that plus the stress of everything else!

Im stuck between a rock and hard place here, I want to have a “child/teen hood” expierance that I never got as a child/teen because of my parents, so ya I want to run around and have fun and play video games and not worry about shit, but I cant, and I cant do what I was because my mom is like “u have to be home”, fuck im an adult for crying out loud! I just grr with parents, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Im just numb to shit anymore.

This has helped a lot, I forgot how blogging helped me out a lot.

--me

Been a while

So its been a bit since I've done an update.
Well things are going well with me n him. Got a new job. Slowly paying on bills.
Only 1 bad thing.
Apparently (and without knowing it myself) I'm a huge whore. Ya. Guess my pussy gets action without my knowledge.
Funny cause I've only slept with 1 man. N it wasn't til. I was older. Yup I'm a whore lol.
Hey either way, good or bad, I'm the center of attenchion :) love being me

--me

Well now....

So I told my ex that I've slept with someone. He doesn't know all of it. But I know I hurt him again. But now he's gonna stop waiting for me to go back to him and start dating. Relief. Just a random update.

--me

Past few days....and Mcdonalds

So i was at his house for 3 days and 2 nights, yes we spent valentines day together, the night before we got into a.....well not night, friday morning we got into a fight. Something completely stupid and shouldnt have happened. We got it resolved, but things almost ended, cause of a mincomunication that was 100% both our faults, later that night, we has sex, really good sex and then talked after words, and then went to bed with some nice cuddles :) we both felt bad for what happened, we both want to be with eachother but as of now its hard on us both, were so used to pain and hurt from past relationships that its making things difficult but were working through it slowly, and not labeling whats going on as a relationship cause its not, its friends with benifits, purely, and were both ok with that as of right now. Maybe if things go good, there might be something in the furture, we both think about that but both know it will take lots of time.
Him and his mother keeps talking about wanting to get me hired with them, so all 3 of us would work together and clean and not have to worry about stupid people working with us, and i think we could work really well together. Might be fun, and successful for all we know, and since his father cant work cause of a workmans comp claim which completely fucked up his arm, he wants to start his own busniess, a small mom and pop shop, which would be fun, and of course they want to hire me and my mother to work there if they do. Just a small "family" business. Since according to them we are now apart of the family and were stuck.
I know his mother and father want us to be together, want grandkids and all that jizz jazz. My mom wants us to date too. His sister is the only one who accepts that its not what we want right now, which is nice. Their some really amazing people. Crazy and fun.

So for the mcdonalds part of my title, the only reason you all are getting an update is because im at mcdonalds using the free wifi, i had to come look up some help for my game ive been playing because i got stuck. I also braught my moms tablet to update her games. Which is taking forever of course. Thats why im blogging because im sitting here waiting. Which is boring and crazy because im in the play section because thats the only fucking place there is a plug in! I couldnt believe it, i was like shit, lol, kinda noisy but the kids are cute and there is a little grandma and grandpa with the grandkid and thier taking pics of her playing, and this cute little boy at the table next to me wanting his mom to help him on the slide cause hes scared, being completely patients while his mom eats. Completely off subject but its whats in my surrounding, and ive been thinking i need to get back to doing my freedom photography blog, cause i havent posted in that in a quite some time. Difficult when you cant go anywhere and dont have internet, but summer is comeing so maybe i can get back to it more seriously. I have been getting great photos of my dog. Which i suppose i can post those today since i have to wait anyways. Play with the editing stuff i have and make them what i like and post it :) going to be here prolly for an hour at least. This is going to suck completely. but hey i get to blog and get things going abit.

I supposed thats all for now, not much else to talk about or say. Life is pretty much still the same, but hey gotta keep going i suppose. til next time.

--me

Update while i am at my friends house with internet

So i got unemployment, but i only got payed for 1 week, been trying to get ahold of them to see why i havnt gotten my backpack for all of january - got the courier job i wanted, but thats on slight hold cause of my MVR - which will take money and time. I have all my other paper work done and taken care of. Still no relief of any stress at all, and maybe my friends mom will hire me to work with her cleaning JC Penny - all in all, life is still hell

--me

2015 Reading Challenge

So update on that, which is and always will be its own post - i read 4 books in 1 month and 1 graphic novel.

So ive completed;
Ruronni Kenshin (graphic novel)
Im 15 and i dont want to die (really good book)
Naked in Death (death series another really good book, and i want to read the whole series)
And the first 2 narnia series books. Working on the 3rd. So thats The magicians nephew and the lion the witch and the wardrobe and im working on the horse and his boy which is the toughest so far to read.

So im doing pretty damn good, so ill update when i get the chance! laters

--me

No phone, no internet and complete and utter emotional roller coaster with him.

So i lost my job as all of you know, and my phone got turned off along with my internet.
We went through a crazy mess with a shitty company to try and get a phone and internet, well it didnt work, so i have internet for 1 night. So im blogging to catch all my followers up.

Ive put in for several jobs, got an interview with 1 and waiting on my back ground check. should only be a couple more weeks, finger crossed its a great job.
I got a second interview for a job i had back in cali, and i hope i get it but it sucks cause he also applied for the job and got an interview for it too, and with my expierence i will prolly get it and it makes me feel bad but we both need a job at this point.

On another not about him, well we got into another fight like thing. I told him how i felt about things and upset him cause i was hurting. He cried, which surprised me completely and told me that he cares about me and doesnt want to lose me. Which also surprised me, and i confessed to him that i am falling in love with him and it scares me, and i dont want to get hurt and he understands that. i also told him ive already accepted the fact that he prolly wont ever feel the same way i do, but i just want to be with him and if that makes me pathetic then oh well, were both happy, and i can see in his eyes he really does care. i swear he can steal my soul with his eye, and of course the sex keeps getting better ;) sure you guys didnt want to know that.
there is one thing that i have yet to do and i really should but i cant bring myself to do it. which is tell my ex that i have feelings for someone else, cause he still hopes ill go back to him, and i just cant do it, i hurt him already and i dont want to hurt him again.

With all that is going on i want to cry so bad, but i keep my head up and do the best i can with whats all going on, and hopefuly i wont lose my car. that would suck completely.

The only things that really makes my day better is seeing him, and i wish i could see him all the time. I just dont know what to do anymore, but thats my update for my followers, and i know its not much but at least its something. I miss you guys and blogging. Til next time

--me

2015 reading challenge!

Ok so im going to post the pic that is the challenge, and the books i have lined up for it and what catagory they match and then ill post when i get some complete!

Molly Moon

                A funny book

Twilight

                A book my mom loves

                A book that became a movie

                A book by a female author

                Popular Authors first book

                A book set somewhere ive wanted to visit

                A book with a love triangle

                A book set in high school

Twilight Illistrated Copy

                A book I started but never finished

Short and Tall Tales

                A book for short stories

Im fifteen and I don’t want to die

                A book with a number in the title

                An author ive never read

A book I can read in 1 day

A book I owned but never read

Shorter funnier faster

                A play (a book of plays)

Traitor of the Blood

                A book with nonhuman characters

Redeemed

                A book by an author I love but have never read (the book)

                A book with magic

50 shades of a grey triology

                A triology

                A book with a color in the title

                A book that made me cry

Pride and Predigest

                A classic Romance

Arcata

                A book set in my home town

12 years a slave

                A book more then 100 years old

Dragons Teeth

                A Pulitzer Prize winning book

Vampire Diaries

                A book based on or turned into a tv show

A fistful of dreams

                An author with my initals

One flew over the cuckoos nest

                A book I was supposed to read in high school

                A book written by someone under 30 (at the time it was written)

Memiors of a gesha

                A memoir

Cronicals of Narnia series

                A book a friend recommended

Ruronni Kenshin

                A graphic novel

The da vinici code

                A book over 500 pages

                A book with bad reviews

                A book based on a true story

Nighmares and dreamscapes

                A book published the year I was born

                A book with antonyms in the title

It

                A book with one word in the title

                A thriller

                A book that scares me

                A book on the bottom of my “to read” list

The Whisperers

                A book based entirerly on its cover

The Bible

                A banned book

                A book that was orginaly in a different language

Naked In death (death series)

                A book based in the future

The hungry catapiller

                A book from my childhood

A Christmas puppy

                A book set in Christmas

*To be announced*

                A book published this year!

Thats all of it :) excited to get them done!

An amazing night and my 2015 book challenge

So I had an amazing night with the guy I've been around. We cuddled had an amazing deep conversation and the some really amazing sex. All in all it was such an amazing and wonderful night.

On a completely different topic - I am doing a 2015 book challenge. Its a list of things you have to find books that match the "requirements" such as a book with over 500 pages or a banned book. Things like that. I have a book for all but 2 requirements! And by the time I get those books I'll have to read 40 books by the end of 2015 to complete the challenge. I'll post more about it later. But I'm super excited.

I'll keep posting as things go on! Thanks for following and reading my blog?

-me

Newest update

So ive applied for unemployment, waiting on that.
Applied to a home for a graveyard shift, mostly just sitting there and making sure no one needs help in the middle of the night and makeing sure everyone gets their meds at bed time and in the morning.
Going to apply for volunteer work at the local animal shelter so im not going out of my mind.
Trying to figure out how to apply for a job at a radio station.
Thinking about applying for a job with some sort of office work, dreading it but im pretty good with computers.
Hoping im not getting a cold, and fighting an irritated throat from cigarette smoke, yay...

I cant sleep worth shit since i got fired, its getting to me, and friends and family, people are hounding me like mad crazy, i asked job services what i need to do, and i will be doing what they suggested which will take some time.

Starting to feel slightly sick again. Hope all will start getting better, will keep posting updates!

Thanks to any followers

--me

This is a bit unusual

As ive said before i got fired from my job, with not knowing it, i wasnt told by management, didnt sign any paper work and the usual "protocals" were not followed, so im posting pics of the fb convo i had with friend/co-workers about the situation.
One friend says that in this state the employer doesnt have to give a reason - but they do. Me and a friend looked up the law and they have certian things they have to do, for a complete and legal fireing of an employee, none of which was done.
enjoy - also my posts are in pink

Welcome to the world! yay!

My sister had her baby! im so happy! there is a fb post i did and some pics for you to enjoy!
(names and faces have been blurred out)

Happy new year....not really

So my new year was okish for the first day, but today! day 2, well i went to shop at my work, tried to use my discount card and it was declined, talked to the only manager there and she pulled my file up on the computer and it said terminated. she had no idea why at all. i cant see my schedule on the websight anymore, but people think its a mix up - im not sure. but if i was, it was done entirely wrong and i will be fileing for grievence!
ill keep ya posted

--me