Life and things

 So ive taken to writing my blogs on word documents until I can get internet back in my house so I can just blog like I normaly do. Im  not quite sure when ill get interent, but I do hope itll be soon. I figure when I get a decent check that’s what ill do is get it up and going, then make a small payment on all my bills, including the car payment. Save money for the phone bills, and I will prolly stop doing unemployment, I make a decent amount per hour at Home Depot. Which so far has not been all that bad since ive started, the HR chick is cool, and the people ive talked to have been nice, the store manager is decent and my best friends husband works there, so I at least know one person. Of course he gives me shit every time he sees me.  Basicaly for this first week im working when I please, and doing nothing but computer work. So my Monday I hopefuly will be on the schedule which will be interesting.

Money has been stressing me out a lot. As it does to most people, but I just hope I can catch up on my bills without any trouble and hopefuly the compnays will take what I can give them, if not then ill make a note of it so I will have evidence if it comes to going to court for it. Hope it wont. Times are rough and whenever things get good something goes bad. Like my mom, we thought she was getting taxes back but no, when we filed they didn’t get all the information they needed, so we waited over a month just to find out that because of my income she wouldn’t get anything, and because of 1 of the jobs I worked last year, I got….40$ to keep, but I owed federal money, which I got payed asap. Sucks, every year I have been screwed out of taxes. I figure that’s how it will always be. Im just not one of those lucky people who actually get money.

My reading challenge is going quite well. I got a library card so I got books from there, I have 2 left to read before the 7^th (its currently the 1^st) and im half way done with one of those books. I hope to have them done by then. Of course I have to finish the books he lent me too. Ive been thinking about that a lot, I need a name for him that’s not really his name so I can refer to him in a better manner. Why not just be lame and call him John Doe or JD for short, and that is no where near his name so its perfect. So JD and I are fine as usual, things are still going about the same, im insecure as usual and hes still amazing as usual. Its tough because my feelings are much stronger then his, but I know he wants to feel the same as me, because I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and his smile. He makes my heart flutter, and it drives me crazy and its even more amazing beause we don’t always kiss deeply or passionitly, but when we do it makes my heart skip a beat and my knees weak and makes me breathless. I love it and ive never felt all those at once from a kiss. Actually the only one ive felt was when I kissed a friend on a dare and she made me drop to my knees the kiss was soo good. All the other people ive kissed it….it felts good but it wasn’t amazing or anything like I feel when I kiss him or kissed my friend.

Of course I have no one else to compare sex to since ive only slept with him. Of course there are no complaints there, I enjoy every single moment of  it. I honesly cant see myself sleeping with anyone else, which is kind of scary honestly, but hey well see how it happens in the future. Im just enjoying life now, as much as I can.

On other things, my father is living in a hospice, and keeps guilt tripping me to come and see him, both him n his wife are guilt tripping me. I just don’t understand why they don’t seem to understand. I know my father is dieing, and I know I need to see him but I literaly CANT – ive told them time after time, I don’t have the money and they van wont make it that far and I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of no where. “oh its only 50$ to ride the bus round trip” ok I get that, but I was barely paying my bills on my unemployment, and on top of that I just started  a new job, I cant just drop my life and travel with the magical money ive pulled out my ass to go see him. Yes I love him, hes my father but fuck people! I just get mad, like stop making me feel bad, im sorry im a grown adult and I have somewhat of a life!

And yes im slightly mad at him because anytime I find anything out about him is on facebook, and he never came into town just to see me, it was  “im passing through town for some other reason so ill say hi n see you for a little bit” like how am I supposed to feel about that? Honesly what do they want me to go? Just be 100% forgiving because hes on his death bed? Shit ive made so many sacrafices its not even funny! Like everyone just wants me to bend over and take it up the ass and not complain about it. IM SICK OF IT! I cant handle the stress of that plus the stress of everything else!

Im stuck between a rock and hard place here, I want to have a “child/teen hood” expierance that I never got as a child/teen because of my parents, so ya I want to run around and have fun and play video games and not worry about shit, but I cant, and I cant do what I was because my mom is like “u have to be home”, fuck im an adult for crying out loud! I just grr with parents, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Im just numb to shit anymore.

This has helped a lot, I forgot how blogging helped me out a lot.

--me