Life and things

 So ive taken to writing my blogs on word documents until I can get internet back in my house so I can just blog like I normaly do. Im  not quite sure when ill get interent, but I do hope itll be soon. I figure when I get a decent check that’s what ill do is get it up and going, then make a small payment on all my bills, including the car payment. Save money for the phone bills, and I will prolly stop doing unemployment, I make a decent amount per hour at Home Depot. Which so far has not been all that bad since ive started, the HR chick is cool, and the people ive talked to have been nice, the store manager is decent and my best friends husband works there, so I at least know one person. Of course he gives me shit every time he sees me.  Basicaly for this first week im working when I please, and doing nothing but computer work. So my Monday I hopefuly will be on the schedule which will be interesting.

Money has been stressing me out a lot. As it does to most people, but I just hope I can catch up on my bills without any trouble and hopefuly the compnays will take what I can give them, if not then ill make a note of it so I will have evidence if it comes to going to court for it. Hope it wont. Times are rough and whenever things get good something goes bad. Like my mom, we thought she was getting taxes back but no, when we filed they didn’t get all the information they needed, so we waited over a month just to find out that because of my income she wouldn’t get anything, and because of 1 of the jobs I worked last year, I got….40$ to keep, but I owed federal money, which I got payed asap. Sucks, every year I have been screwed out of taxes. I figure that’s how it will always be. Im just not one of those lucky people who actually get money.

My reading challenge is going quite well. I got a library card so I got books from there, I have 2 left to read before the 7^th (its currently the 1^st) and im half way done with one of those books. I hope to have them done by then. Of course I have to finish the books he lent me too. Ive been thinking about that a lot, I need a name for him that’s not really his name so I can refer to him in a better manner. Why not just be lame and call him John Doe or JD for short, and that is no where near his name so its perfect. So JD and I are fine as usual, things are still going about the same, im insecure as usual and hes still amazing as usual. Its tough because my feelings are much stronger then his, but I know he wants to feel the same as me, because I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and his smile. He makes my heart flutter, and it drives me crazy and its even more amazing beause we don’t always kiss deeply or passionitly, but when we do it makes my heart skip a beat and my knees weak and makes me breathless. I love it and ive never felt all those at once from a kiss. Actually the only one ive felt was when I kissed a friend on a dare and she made me drop to my knees the kiss was soo good. All the other people ive kissed it….it felts good but it wasn’t amazing or anything like I feel when I kiss him or kissed my friend.

Of course I have no one else to compare sex to since ive only slept with him. Of course there are no complaints there, I enjoy every single moment of  it. I honesly cant see myself sleeping with anyone else, which is kind of scary honestly, but hey well see how it happens in the future. Im just enjoying life now, as much as I can.

On other things, my father is living in a hospice, and keeps guilt tripping me to come and see him, both him n his wife are guilt tripping me. I just don’t understand why they don’t seem to understand. I know my father is dieing, and I know I need to see him but I literaly CANT – ive told them time after time, I don’t have the money and they van wont make it that far and I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of no where. “oh its only 50$ to ride the bus round trip” ok I get that, but I was barely paying my bills on my unemployment, and on top of that I just started  a new job, I cant just drop my life and travel with the magical money ive pulled out my ass to go see him. Yes I love him, hes my father but fuck people! I just get mad, like stop making me feel bad, im sorry im a grown adult and I have somewhat of a life!

And yes im slightly mad at him because anytime I find anything out about him is on facebook, and he never came into town just to see me, it was  “im passing through town for some other reason so ill say hi n see you for a little bit” like how am I supposed to feel about that? Honesly what do they want me to go? Just be 100% forgiving because hes on his death bed? Shit ive made so many sacrafices its not even funny! Like everyone just wants me to bend over and take it up the ass and not complain about it. IM SICK OF IT! I cant handle the stress of that plus the stress of everything else!

Im stuck between a rock and hard place here, I want to have a “child/teen hood” expierance that I never got as a child/teen because of my parents, so ya I want to run around and have fun and play video games and not worry about shit, but I cant, and I cant do what I was because my mom is like “u have to be home”, fuck im an adult for crying out loud! I just grr with parents, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Im just numb to shit anymore.

This has helped a lot, I forgot how blogging helped me out a lot.

--me

Been a while

So its been a bit since I've done an update.
Well things are going well with me n him. Got a new job. Slowly paying on bills.
Only 1 bad thing.
Apparently (and without knowing it myself) I'm a huge whore. Ya. Guess my pussy gets action without my knowledge.
Funny cause I've only slept with 1 man. N it wasn't til. I was older. Yup I'm a whore lol.
Hey either way, good or bad, I'm the center of attenchion :) love being me

--me

Well now....

So I told my ex that I've slept with someone. He doesn't know all of it. But I know I hurt him again. But now he's gonna stop waiting for me to go back to him and start dating. Relief. Just a random update.

--me

Past few days....and Mcdonalds

So i was at his house for 3 days and 2 nights, yes we spent valentines day together, the night before we got into a.....well not night, friday morning we got into a fight. Something completely stupid and shouldnt have happened. We got it resolved, but things almost ended, cause of a mincomunication that was 100% both our faults, later that night, we has sex, really good sex and then talked after words, and then went to bed with some nice cuddles :) we both felt bad for what happened, we both want to be with eachother but as of now its hard on us both, were so used to pain and hurt from past relationships that its making things difficult but were working through it slowly, and not labeling whats going on as a relationship cause its not, its friends with benifits, purely, and were both ok with that as of right now. Maybe if things go good, there might be something in the furture, we both think about that but both know it will take lots of time.
Him and his mother keeps talking about wanting to get me hired with them, so all 3 of us would work together and clean and not have to worry about stupid people working with us, and i think we could work really well together. Might be fun, and successful for all we know, and since his father cant work cause of a workmans comp claim which completely fucked up his arm, he wants to start his own busniess, a small mom and pop shop, which would be fun, and of course they want to hire me and my mother to work there if they do. Just a small "family" business. Since according to them we are now apart of the family and were stuck.
I know his mother and father want us to be together, want grandkids and all that jizz jazz. My mom wants us to date too. His sister is the only one who accepts that its not what we want right now, which is nice. Their some really amazing people. Crazy and fun.

So for the mcdonalds part of my title, the only reason you all are getting an update is because im at mcdonalds using the free wifi, i had to come look up some help for my game ive been playing because i got stuck. I also braught my moms tablet to update her games. Which is taking forever of course. Thats why im blogging because im sitting here waiting. Which is boring and crazy because im in the play section because thats the only fucking place there is a plug in! I couldnt believe it, i was like shit, lol, kinda noisy but the kids are cute and there is a little grandma and grandpa with the grandkid and thier taking pics of her playing, and this cute little boy at the table next to me wanting his mom to help him on the slide cause hes scared, being completely patients while his mom eats. Completely off subject but its whats in my surrounding, and ive been thinking i need to get back to doing my freedom photography blog, cause i havent posted in that in a quite some time. Difficult when you cant go anywhere and dont have internet, but summer is comeing so maybe i can get back to it more seriously. I have been getting great photos of my dog. Which i suppose i can post those today since i have to wait anyways. Play with the editing stuff i have and make them what i like and post it :) going to be here prolly for an hour at least. This is going to suck completely. but hey i get to blog and get things going abit.

I supposed thats all for now, not much else to talk about or say. Life is pretty much still the same, but hey gotta keep going i suppose. til next time.

--me

Update while i am at my friends house with internet

So i got unemployment, but i only got payed for 1 week, been trying to get ahold of them to see why i havnt gotten my backpack for all of january - got the courier job i wanted, but thats on slight hold cause of my MVR - which will take money and time. I have all my other paper work done and taken care of. Still no relief of any stress at all, and maybe my friends mom will hire me to work with her cleaning JC Penny - all in all, life is still hell

--me

2015 Reading Challenge

So update on that, which is and always will be its own post - i read 4 books in 1 month and 1 graphic novel.

So ive completed;
Ruronni Kenshin (graphic novel)
Im 15 and i dont want to die (really good book)
Naked in Death (death series another really good book, and i want to read the whole series)
And the first 2 narnia series books. Working on the 3rd. So thats The magicians nephew and the lion the witch and the wardrobe and im working on the horse and his boy which is the toughest so far to read.

So im doing pretty damn good, so ill update when i get the chance! laters

--me

No phone, no internet and complete and utter emotional roller coaster with him.

So i lost my job as all of you know, and my phone got turned off along with my internet.
We went through a crazy mess with a shitty company to try and get a phone and internet, well it didnt work, so i have internet for 1 night. So im blogging to catch all my followers up.

Ive put in for several jobs, got an interview with 1 and waiting on my back ground check. should only be a couple more weeks, finger crossed its a great job.
I got a second interview for a job i had back in cali, and i hope i get it but it sucks cause he also applied for the job and got an interview for it too, and with my expierence i will prolly get it and it makes me feel bad but we both need a job at this point.

On another not about him, well we got into another fight like thing. I told him how i felt about things and upset him cause i was hurting. He cried, which surprised me completely and told me that he cares about me and doesnt want to lose me. Which also surprised me, and i confessed to him that i am falling in love with him and it scares me, and i dont want to get hurt and he understands that. i also told him ive already accepted the fact that he prolly wont ever feel the same way i do, but i just want to be with him and if that makes me pathetic then oh well, were both happy, and i can see in his eyes he really does care. i swear he can steal my soul with his eye, and of course the sex keeps getting better ;) sure you guys didnt want to know that.
there is one thing that i have yet to do and i really should but i cant bring myself to do it. which is tell my ex that i have feelings for someone else, cause he still hopes ill go back to him, and i just cant do it, i hurt him already and i dont want to hurt him again.

With all that is going on i want to cry so bad, but i keep my head up and do the best i can with whats all going on, and hopefuly i wont lose my car. that would suck completely.

The only things that really makes my day better is seeing him, and i wish i could see him all the time. I just dont know what to do anymore, but thats my update for my followers, and i know its not much but at least its something. I miss you guys and blogging. Til next time

--me