Broken hearted

I have ruined everything that I was trying to work for. JD was going to ask me out, and I fucked it up. I had no idea he was going to do it, but now its all over and my chance to love him and be with him is gone.

Im a total fuck up, just a week from that moment my bff told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. She thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn’t, and now the other important person in my life has walked out.

I deserve to be alone forever, I do nothing but fuck shit up, and I am the villain.

I love him so much, and ill never stop loving him. Ive lost my happiness and possibly another job.

Hurt my back and have been out of work for a week and am on lifting restrictions for 2 weeks now, so no doubt they will fire me. Ive only been there a little over a month, and im sure were about to lose our van and possibly our home.

Ive come to realise I am a horrible, horrible person.

I don’t deserve happiness.

I will end up alone forever. Im even a bad pet owner.

Id make a terrible mother.

I fuck everything up and will probably end up in jail due to my debt.

No wonders so many people just walk out of my life.

No wonder my father walked out of my life.

I need to stop dreaming, and hoping, ill be a robot. That’s what work places want right?

A mindless nobody who will do whatever they say.

Ill back off from JD and let him have what he wants, a better life without horrible girls in it who are stupid and worthless, ugly and fat.

That describes me perfectly.

I get it now, I really do, and soon everyone else will too.

Im never going to have sex, hes the only person I want to have sex with. So that life is over…so is any chance of any future with me and him, I feel like I want to die, but im not dumb enough to do it, I want to get blackout drunk but I cant due to my  meds.

I was a cigarette but im not dumb enough to smoke it, and I want to get so fucking high the world seems a dream but its not worth it.

All of that is as worthless as I am.

I alone ruined an amazing thing.

I am worthless

I am ugly

I am fat

I am not worth anyones time

So those who read this blog, you’ve been reading the blog of a looser. Fun reading someone elses stupidity? Their lame and worthless life? I hope you enjoy it, im  sure there will be more as im sure I will fuck more stuff up.

Til next time worthless little piece of shit…..

 --me

Work, thoughts and "JD"

Ok, so work has been pretty good. JD and his family gave us their old fridge because they got a new French door one. Which is perfect because ours is about to die, and theirs was bigger. So some things are going pretty good. On the other hand, my fathers new wife, she tried to guild trip me into leaving my work to go see my father, like I have the money to do it. I have no idea what my father told her, but from her text he made me out to be a villan. Like I forced my father to give up his happieness to make sure I had a home, like as a child I was making him miserable. Ya so now not only am I a huge whore but im also a villan. Im an aweful person apparently. I mean come one people, cant anyone see that shit like this gets to people after time? I mean, seriously…what did I do to get this treatment? Was I really that aweful of a child to raise? Am I really a whore (even though ive only had sex with ONE guy), I mean, yes I talk to guys, I find it easier to be around men then women, mostly because women are very fake and judgemental. Yes I talk to people older then me because people my age are dumb most of the time. That doesn’t count a few that I have found are quite nice to spend time with because they arnt idiots like the others. I have 3 or 4 girls who are around my age who I like talking to and being around. Other then that, all others are quite older then I am. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to have a good conversation with someone and not zone out in the middle of what their saying because I just cant focus on it! I just don’t get it…all the people who like me tell me im a great person, and I want to believe them but so many others say different. Its hard to know who to believe, and yes I put on a strong face and keep my head up and show people what I want them to see, but FUCK! You can only be strong for so long, and I know this because I have anxiety issues, and its been studied and they say that people who have mental problems, ie depression, anxiety ect, that its not from weakness as most see it, its from a person having to be strong for too long and the brain is saying “Stop, enough, please give me a break” but those strong people cant, because if they show any sign of weakness then people think they can trample all over them and do as they please.

What a lot of people don’t realize, with these mental issues is sometimes that strong person can control it. I went and saw a movie with JD, I was fine through it, but he wanted to stay and see if there was anything special after the credits. All the sudden I didn’t feel right, I don’t know why or what from, but something felt wrong. So I told him I didn’t feel right, and he said to stay calm, and I tried but I couldn’t, it just came out of me like a flood, I took my glasses off and put them in his lap and just cired on his shoulder in the dark theater. He kept whispering to me to relax and just focus on him rubbing circules on my arm. Luckily it was only a short attack, a few moments and I felt ok. Most of the time I can keep saying to myself (in my head) that im ok, itll be fine and ill make it through this without any issues. It usually works.

Im rambling, but I just needed to put my thoughts out there, because yesterday me and jd had a bit of a little..um…hurt feeling I suppose is the best way to put it, between us. His ex starting texting him again, which pissed him off and then he just shut me out, and didn’t even say goodbye to me when I left, so I felt as though I did something wrong, and ive expressed this to him before, about not wanting him to resent me because im not confortable with him texting her, now BEFORE you get all mad at me, he HATES her with a passion and is too nice to just make her stop and shes insane anyways; I just don’t want him to be mad at me because of this, were trying to work towards a future. But it made me think like crazy and of course with my anxiety I cant let it go. I cant stop thinking bad things, and its driving me crazy, I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do with myself, and I don’t feel as thought I can talk to JD about it because I don’t want to cause a fight and ive already fucked up plenty of times, I mean at this point I doubt if he wants to have anything to do with me in the future.

Then it made me think more, yes ive never been that great with getting dates or having people even concider wanting to date me. Ive had 3 relationships, and 3 actual dates, that’s it. Now 2 of those dates I chose not to persue anything because it didn’t feel right. The other one was with a guy I dated on and off. Now a lot of these ive wondered if they had really wanted to be with me, obviously not because things didn’t last. My last relationship I broke up with him, but only because he wasn’t putting any effort in. So why stay with someone who just doesn’t give a fuck right? Still either way it made me feel as thought no one wants to be with me, Im undateable. The only people who flurt with me or hit on me are old men who are grose completely. So if this is true for all other people why would JD be any different? Does he really care for me and like me like he says? Or is he lieing for the sex? But thing is, he cause have a girl 1000000000000x more good looking then I am, way skinnier and way better in bed. But you can never tell if someone is lieing to you…..or if someone is fake, until its too late. I want so badly for him to want to be with me. But am I just dreaming like an idiot? Am I just to much to handle for another person? Am I going to end up divorced twice like my mother? Miserable and alone? Why do a select few seem to think im a great person? I feel worthless, and I don’t know what else to do but put on the fake smile im so used to and hold my head up as if it takes no effort at all and show people what I want them to see and just…..be….i suppose is a way to put it, im here but not really Here?

Is it pathetic of me to want to love a man who is so amazing? Is it stupid of me to fall for his so fast? I didn’t mean to, I didn’t plan on it, I just wanted some fun and a good friend, but I ended up on an emotional rollercoaster of life, what a wonderful new journey to freedom right?

My father leaves

My father has cancer

I struggle with bills and work

I break up with the one I thought was THE ONE

I sleep with a friend

I get too involved with said friend

I lose my job because of stress from said job making me sick and in the hospital

I suffer with bills for months because of no job

My father is on his death bed

I get a job

I get guilt tripped by the evil other woman of my father

I continuously mess up with JD

I feel worthless/unsure

Yup that seems like a pretty accurate time line. How would one deal with all of this? I mean really? I have no idea what to do anymore, and and……well ya my brain doesn’t know what to say any more now, I suppose ill write again when I need to. Til then

--me

Life and things

 So ive taken to writing my blogs on word documents until I can get internet back in my house so I can just blog like I normaly do. Im  not quite sure when ill get interent, but I do hope itll be soon. I figure when I get a decent check that’s what ill do is get it up and going, then make a small payment on all my bills, including the car payment. Save money for the phone bills, and I will prolly stop doing unemployment, I make a decent amount per hour at Home Depot. Which so far has not been all that bad since ive started, the HR chick is cool, and the people ive talked to have been nice, the store manager is decent and my best friends husband works there, so I at least know one person. Of course he gives me shit every time he sees me.  Basicaly for this first week im working when I please, and doing nothing but computer work. So my Monday I hopefuly will be on the schedule which will be interesting.

Money has been stressing me out a lot. As it does to most people, but I just hope I can catch up on my bills without any trouble and hopefuly the compnays will take what I can give them, if not then ill make a note of it so I will have evidence if it comes to going to court for it. Hope it wont. Times are rough and whenever things get good something goes bad. Like my mom, we thought she was getting taxes back but no, when we filed they didn’t get all the information they needed, so we waited over a month just to find out that because of my income she wouldn’t get anything, and because of 1 of the jobs I worked last year, I got….40$ to keep, but I owed federal money, which I got payed asap. Sucks, every year I have been screwed out of taxes. I figure that’s how it will always be. Im just not one of those lucky people who actually get money.

My reading challenge is going quite well. I got a library card so I got books from there, I have 2 left to read before the 7^th (its currently the 1^st) and im half way done with one of those books. I hope to have them done by then. Of course I have to finish the books he lent me too. Ive been thinking about that a lot, I need a name for him that’s not really his name so I can refer to him in a better manner. Why not just be lame and call him John Doe or JD for short, and that is no where near his name so its perfect. So JD and I are fine as usual, things are still going about the same, im insecure as usual and hes still amazing as usual. Its tough because my feelings are much stronger then his, but I know he wants to feel the same as me, because I can see it in his eyes when he looks at me, and his smile. He makes my heart flutter, and it drives me crazy and its even more amazing beause we don’t always kiss deeply or passionitly, but when we do it makes my heart skip a beat and my knees weak and makes me breathless. I love it and ive never felt all those at once from a kiss. Actually the only one ive felt was when I kissed a friend on a dare and she made me drop to my knees the kiss was soo good. All the other people ive kissed it….it felts good but it wasn’t amazing or anything like I feel when I kiss him or kissed my friend.

Of course I have no one else to compare sex to since ive only slept with him. Of course there are no complaints there, I enjoy every single moment of  it. I honesly cant see myself sleeping with anyone else, which is kind of scary honestly, but hey well see how it happens in the future. Im just enjoying life now, as much as I can.

On other things, my father is living in a hospice, and keeps guilt tripping me to come and see him, both him n his wife are guilt tripping me. I just don’t understand why they don’t seem to understand. I know my father is dieing, and I know I need to see him but I literaly CANT – ive told them time after time, I don’t have the money and they van wont make it that far and I don’t want to get stuck in the middle of no where. “oh its only 50$ to ride the bus round trip” ok I get that, but I was barely paying my bills on my unemployment, and on top of that I just started  a new job, I cant just drop my life and travel with the magical money ive pulled out my ass to go see him. Yes I love him, hes my father but fuck people! I just get mad, like stop making me feel bad, im sorry im a grown adult and I have somewhat of a life!

And yes im slightly mad at him because anytime I find anything out about him is on facebook, and he never came into town just to see me, it was  “im passing through town for some other reason so ill say hi n see you for a little bit” like how am I supposed to feel about that? Honesly what do they want me to go? Just be 100% forgiving because hes on his death bed? Shit ive made so many sacrafices its not even funny! Like everyone just wants me to bend over and take it up the ass and not complain about it. IM SICK OF IT! I cant handle the stress of that plus the stress of everything else!

Im stuck between a rock and hard place here, I want to have a “child/teen hood” expierance that I never got as a child/teen because of my parents, so ya I want to run around and have fun and play video games and not worry about shit, but I cant, and I cant do what I was because my mom is like “u have to be home”, fuck im an adult for crying out loud! I just grr with parents, and I don’t know what to do anymore. Im just numb to shit anymore.

This has helped a lot, I forgot how blogging helped me out a lot.

--me