While im at the library

Just thought id post in and put an update for anyone who follows, not much is going on, JD and i are still good, and me and my mother are still waiting to see if we will move, hopefully we will.

--me

Just an update and whats on my mind......first blog of 2016

1/14/16

Hello my little ones, I haven’t posted in so long, I haven’t written anything in so long, but I was just looking at a post im not sure I posted, and wow I have some major mental issues. So just as a started, me and JD are now an official couple and have been for a few months, things are rough for him and his family right now, so things are tense but still holding out.

Me and my mother are trying to find a new place and are waiting on a response to one we have sent paper work to. Hopefully we will get it and we can get out of this place, the managers get worse each time we change managers here.

JD let me borrow his PS4 to play fallout 4 and im addicted to it, but getting slightly bored with the repetition of somethings, so after a couple weeks im giving it back, and going to play some of my own xbox 360 games, and reading, which I have been doing a lot, even though I failed my reading challenge.

I plan on getting on ready for 2017, since its to late to start a new one for 2016, and I don’t want to mess up like I did last year, but I did pretty well for the fact that I started several months late and was unable to read 4 books of my list, other then that I read every other book, so 36 books in oh 9 or 10 months?

Hey id make the stupid principles reading list if I was still in school, but who cares.

I have made a few recipies that have been amazing recently, but things are still rough.

My depression and anxiety is not improving, and im going to ask my doctor about being eligible for social security. Maybe I can catch a break and get an income and not have issues finding and keeping a job, which my anxiety has been impairing me of doing so. I try to fight it but its difficult and I don’t want to be drugged up on stupid meds and be loopy and out of it. I want to function normally but I struggle, and I don’t think a lot of people understand what its like to have these mental disorders and not feel normal, im weird enough as it is without anything added.

I decided to pack up my books I have read and keep out the ones I haven’t. I also feel like packing up my movies, but having them accessable, though I do no watch them often. My aunt actually got me a gift card to a movie rental place, and I have yet to go get it since I have no money to get gas for JD to take me, so who knows when that will happen, but me and JD have watched quite a few new movies, and have enjoyed them thoroughly.

Sometimes I just want to cry, not reason at all, but I just feel like bursting into tears.

Im sure if anyone actually reads this they think im crazy, and I don’t even know if the 2 people who read it a while back, even still do, if you do, hello! Love seeing my craziness?

I supposed that’s all for now 

--me

Holy shit life has been crazy

I have not posted in quite some time, and i would be posting more if i have the internet!
Basically after the job i had cleaning jcp, that i had no choice but to quit, i have not had any luck. my tonsils are red and swollen and the doctors dont know why.
JD finally asked me out on a date :) and it was simple but amazing, and things are going extremely well with him and we are very very happy.
he baught me some beautiful earrings, and i love them and wear them as much as i can, and we spend lots of time together.
sadly his uncle passed away from a very bad car wreck, and going to his uncles funeral was difficult for me, it braught back a lot of memories and started up my anxiety issues a tad, of course i was already having problems and had to get back on my meds, which have been helping.
i have to get my tattoo touch uped because either my skin rejected the ink, the artist didnt do it dark enough, or i used the wrong soap and it turned out a very light grey, and i also need to add color and the word dad to it, and i will be happy.
currently i am typing this while jd is playing a game on his ps4 and his sister is watching his game and his dad is cooking dinner while his mom watches youtube, so its interesting but a fun family and i enjoy my time with them all.
for now thats all i really have, my journey is not what i thought what it would be but i love it none the less.

--me

Its my birthday

Im getting old!
I tured 22 and had a wonderful dinner with my mother and JD!

-- me

Its been way too long my dears.....

Well its been quite some time since i last posted a blog. So my loves here is an update
Things with JD and me are fine :) We have worked things out and he and his mother have helped me get a job.
My father passed away in may, and i just attended his funeral, things are a bit rough.
My van got repossessed.
I am trying to get my life back together, im sorry im not posting :(

--me

Broken hearted

I have ruined everything that I was trying to work for. JD was going to ask me out, and I fucked it up. I had no idea he was going to do it, but now its all over and my chance to love him and be with him is gone.

Im a total fuck up, just a week from that moment my bff told me she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. She thought it was what I wanted, but it wasn’t, and now the other important person in my life has walked out.

I deserve to be alone forever, I do nothing but fuck shit up, and I am the villain.

I love him so much, and ill never stop loving him. Ive lost my happiness and possibly another job.

Hurt my back and have been out of work for a week and am on lifting restrictions for 2 weeks now, so no doubt they will fire me. Ive only been there a little over a month, and im sure were about to lose our van and possibly our home.

Ive come to realise I am a horrible, horrible person.

I don’t deserve happiness.

I will end up alone forever. Im even a bad pet owner.

Id make a terrible mother.

I fuck everything up and will probably end up in jail due to my debt.

No wonders so many people just walk out of my life.

No wonder my father walked out of my life.

I need to stop dreaming, and hoping, ill be a robot. That’s what work places want right?

A mindless nobody who will do whatever they say.

Ill back off from JD and let him have what he wants, a better life without horrible girls in it who are stupid and worthless, ugly and fat.

That describes me perfectly.

I get it now, I really do, and soon everyone else will too.

Im never going to have sex, hes the only person I want to have sex with. So that life is over…so is any chance of any future with me and him, I feel like I want to die, but im not dumb enough to do it, I want to get blackout drunk but I cant due to my  meds.

I was a cigarette but im not dumb enough to smoke it, and I want to get so fucking high the world seems a dream but its not worth it.

All of that is as worthless as I am.

I alone ruined an amazing thing.

I am worthless

I am ugly

I am fat

I am not worth anyones time

So those who read this blog, you’ve been reading the blog of a looser. Fun reading someone elses stupidity? Their lame and worthless life? I hope you enjoy it, im  sure there will be more as im sure I will fuck more stuff up.

Til next time worthless little piece of shit…..

 --me

Work, thoughts and "JD"

Ok, so work has been pretty good. JD and his family gave us their old fridge because they got a new French door one. Which is perfect because ours is about to die, and theirs was bigger. So some things are going pretty good. On the other hand, my fathers new wife, she tried to guild trip me into leaving my work to go see my father, like I have the money to do it. I have no idea what my father told her, but from her text he made me out to be a villan. Like I forced my father to give up his happieness to make sure I had a home, like as a child I was making him miserable. Ya so now not only am I a huge whore but im also a villan. Im an aweful person apparently. I mean come one people, cant anyone see that shit like this gets to people after time? I mean, seriously…what did I do to get this treatment? Was I really that aweful of a child to raise? Am I really a whore (even though ive only had sex with ONE guy), I mean, yes I talk to guys, I find it easier to be around men then women, mostly because women are very fake and judgemental. Yes I talk to people older then me because people my age are dumb most of the time. That doesn’t count a few that I have found are quite nice to spend time with because they arnt idiots like the others. I have 3 or 4 girls who are around my age who I like talking to and being around. Other then that, all others are quite older then I am. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting to have a good conversation with someone and not zone out in the middle of what their saying because I just cant focus on it! I just don’t get it…all the people who like me tell me im a great person, and I want to believe them but so many others say different. Its hard to know who to believe, and yes I put on a strong face and keep my head up and show people what I want them to see, but FUCK! You can only be strong for so long, and I know this because I have anxiety issues, and its been studied and they say that people who have mental problems, ie depression, anxiety ect, that its not from weakness as most see it, its from a person having to be strong for too long and the brain is saying “Stop, enough, please give me a break” but those strong people cant, because if they show any sign of weakness then people think they can trample all over them and do as they please.

What a lot of people don’t realize, with these mental issues is sometimes that strong person can control it. I went and saw a movie with JD, I was fine through it, but he wanted to stay and see if there was anything special after the credits. All the sudden I didn’t feel right, I don’t know why or what from, but something felt wrong. So I told him I didn’t feel right, and he said to stay calm, and I tried but I couldn’t, it just came out of me like a flood, I took my glasses off and put them in his lap and just cired on his shoulder in the dark theater. He kept whispering to me to relax and just focus on him rubbing circules on my arm. Luckily it was only a short attack, a few moments and I felt ok. Most of the time I can keep saying to myself (in my head) that im ok, itll be fine and ill make it through this without any issues. It usually works.

Im rambling, but I just needed to put my thoughts out there, because yesterday me and jd had a bit of a little..um…hurt feeling I suppose is the best way to put it, between us. His ex starting texting him again, which pissed him off and then he just shut me out, and didn’t even say goodbye to me when I left, so I felt as though I did something wrong, and ive expressed this to him before, about not wanting him to resent me because im not confortable with him texting her, now BEFORE you get all mad at me, he HATES her with a passion and is too nice to just make her stop and shes insane anyways; I just don’t want him to be mad at me because of this, were trying to work towards a future. But it made me think like crazy and of course with my anxiety I cant let it go. I cant stop thinking bad things, and its driving me crazy, I just want to cry. I don’t know what to do with myself, and I don’t feel as thought I can talk to JD about it because I don’t want to cause a fight and ive already fucked up plenty of times, I mean at this point I doubt if he wants to have anything to do with me in the future.

Then it made me think more, yes ive never been that great with getting dates or having people even concider wanting to date me. Ive had 3 relationships, and 3 actual dates, that’s it. Now 2 of those dates I chose not to persue anything because it didn’t feel right. The other one was with a guy I dated on and off. Now a lot of these ive wondered if they had really wanted to be with me, obviously not because things didn’t last. My last relationship I broke up with him, but only because he wasn’t putting any effort in. So why stay with someone who just doesn’t give a fuck right? Still either way it made me feel as thought no one wants to be with me, Im undateable. The only people who flurt with me or hit on me are old men who are grose completely. So if this is true for all other people why would JD be any different? Does he really care for me and like me like he says? Or is he lieing for the sex? But thing is, he cause have a girl 1000000000000x more good looking then I am, way skinnier and way better in bed. But you can never tell if someone is lieing to you…..or if someone is fake, until its too late. I want so badly for him to want to be with me. But am I just dreaming like an idiot? Am I just to much to handle for another person? Am I going to end up divorced twice like my mother? Miserable and alone? Why do a select few seem to think im a great person? I feel worthless, and I don’t know what else to do but put on the fake smile im so used to and hold my head up as if it takes no effort at all and show people what I want them to see and just…..be….i suppose is a way to put it, im here but not really Here?

Is it pathetic of me to want to love a man who is so amazing? Is it stupid of me to fall for his so fast? I didn’t mean to, I didn’t plan on it, I just wanted some fun and a good friend, but I ended up on an emotional rollercoaster of life, what a wonderful new journey to freedom right?

My father leaves

My father has cancer

I struggle with bills and work

I break up with the one I thought was THE ONE

I sleep with a friend

I get too involved with said friend

I lose my job because of stress from said job making me sick and in the hospital

I suffer with bills for months because of no job

My father is on his death bed

I get a job

I get guilt tripped by the evil other woman of my father

I continuously mess up with JD

I feel worthless/unsure

Yup that seems like a pretty accurate time line. How would one deal with all of this? I mean really? I have no idea what to do anymore, and and……well ya my brain doesn’t know what to say any more now, I suppose ill write again when I need to. Til then

--me