A long awaited update...

It has been quite sometime and I am in a good place while i'm typing this.

I am feeling good. I applied for leadership and actually have a shot of getting it. I am happy with where I am. I don't feel a need for another human. I don't feel like everything is falling apart.

Getting some self confidence back from all of these very good looking men who want in my pants. Shocker I know.

I feel good.

--me

Path of self destruction

I don't know what to do anymore. I almost never eat. Don't have the money to do it. Work is hit or miss. I drink and smoke too much.

--me

What is going on?

I'm not with JD....I live alone...I've had far too mich sex with seval guys, from a 19 year old with a huge dick to a 30 year old who couldn't perform....now there is a new guy....who isn't even in the same state! I don't want a relationship.....I can't. I'm not capable of love like others. I ended 2 relationship after 3 years because i stopped loving them....he is so sweet but kinky and a bit of a bad boy. Who is on Skype and asleep. Which has put this big ass grin on my face....why? He makes me feel so many things and I know what most of them are....but some confuse me. I want to fuck him, but I am also terrified that eventually I will want more...he has made it abundendtly clear he eventually will.....
At this moment I am pretty happy. The happeiest I have been in a while actually but I'm terrified...I kinda like not knowing, but I also want to know.
I want to know if this will go somewhere and how it will end, it it will end. I want to know what would happen if it doesn't go anywhere besides sex. Or if it goes somewhere, but that somewhere is me getting used to he can escape the life and town he wants to leave. Crazy to think. I'm obsessed with him. I crave him. Help.....

--me